Golf One Liners

One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a
bowling ball.
-Don Carter, pro bowler

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.
-Buddy Hackett

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
-Gerald Ford

It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still
rolling.
-Mark Twain

Golf's three ugliest words: still your shot.
-Dave Marr

 It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball.  I did it
in one afternoon on the golf course.
- Hank Aaron

Once when I was golfing in Georgia I hooked the ball into a swamp.  I went
in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.
-Buddy Hackett

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
- Phyllis Diller

Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more cheaters than
any other game.
-Bruce Lansky

Two ants sat on the grass watching a duffer dig up the course. One said to the other, “Let’s get on the ball before he kills us!”

Two golfers are at the first tee: Golfer one: ``Hey, guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!'' Golfer two: ``Great trade!!!!''

My stockbrocker’s a golf nut. One day he called up and he said, “Guess what? I just broke 80! I said, “I know. I’m one of them.”

Our minister was the best golfer in town. Look at all the practice he’s had in keeping his head down.

My butcher and my golf game have one thing in common. They both have a slice that’s cost me a fortune.

In think my golf game is improving. I haven’t broken 100, but I’m bending the hell out of 110!

It’s easy to tell a real dedicated doctor. He can never understand how a hooker can be happy.


The prospective bride rushed up to the prospective groom on the first tee. The groom looked at her bridal finery and said, “I told you-only if it rained.”

Her golf is improving. She’s missing the ball much closer than she used to!

My doctor told me to play 36 holes a day, so I went out and bought a harmonica.

I don’t want to excuse her of cheating, but once she had a hole-in-one and scored it as a zero.

Then there’s the Scotsman who gave up golf after 20 years. He lost his ball.

Golf is a game, invented by God to punish guys who retire early.

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

Fairway: [faer-wai]:An unfamiliar tract of closely mown grass running directly from tee to the green. Your ball can usually be found immediately to the left or right of it."

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

You spend more time on the beach than David Hasselholf!

If your typical round is 85 and you shot a 95, you've had what is called an "off game." Wouldn't this be equally true if you shot a 75?

LPGA pro Helen Douglas, after winning a 54 hole tournament played at three different clubs, was introduced as "the new state intercourse champion."

Forget about all those "how to" books, videos and articles. The only sure way to save strokes is with an eraser!

You know you're a hack when your divot flies farther than your ball!

I enjoy shooting in the 120's. I figure I'm getting more for my money.

The difference between a whiff and a practice swing is that nobody curses after a practice swing.

Golf never made it as an Olympic sport. It is more properly a Special Olympic sport because everyone who enters has a handicap.

What must a golfer shoot to assure tournament victory? --The rest of the players.

If golf is good exercise, why isn't mowing the lawn?
"My game is so bad I had to have my ball retriever regripped!"

Old golfers never die, they just lose their balls!

Q) Why was Golf called Golf?
A) Because all the other four letter words were used up.

Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well!

Real golfers don't miss putts, they get robbed.

Real golfers don't cry when they line up their fouth putt.

Real golfers have two handicaps: one for braggin' and one for betting'.

How is golf like fishing? -Both mysteriously encourage exaggeration.
The only thing that causes more cheating than golf is the income tax!

Why is it that the same spouse who can't add when it comes to the family budget at home turns into a mathematician on the golf course?

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can hit either one more club or two more balls.

Some useful reminders to use when playing golf is that when another foursome is on the green, please

remember that "Fore!" is not an excuse, "So what?" is not an apology, and "Up yours" is not an explanation.

The only sure way to find a drive sliced deep into the woods is to hit a provisional ball 260 yards down the middle.

Like life, one's golf game is made up by a series of absolute changes which are: Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.

There are also two rules that always apply when playing golf. Whenever you play in a mixed foursome, there will always be one hole where you have to hit your second shot before the ladies tee off. Also, you haven't really played golf until you've had to decide which opening in the trees gives you the best chance of getting
back to the fairway.